Linkstew

Here's another joke in the "It's Irony" series:

Inventor of the 'eat as much meat as you want' Atkins Diet had a heart attack. When asked if he had any comments on his protein-rich diet in light of his recent cardiac arrest, Atkins replied, "It's irony."

(Credit where credit is due: Kevin emailed me this link and the joke.)

A few days after we came up with that first ironic joke for my ironic punchline, Dave came up with another one:

What did the doctor tell Tonya Harding after she broke her leg doing a jump and had to have her knee replaced with an artificial joint?

It's iron-knee!

The only real problem with this joke is that it's a little dated these days, but I'm sure future circumstances will arise for which the basic premise will be able to be recycled.

So during the Whistler trip, I finally found a joke for my "It's Irony" punchline. On one of the train rides, I explained the punchline and my sad lack of a joke for such a good punchline to my company, and after some thought, Tyler finally came up with an appropriately ironic joke:

What did the coroner say after determining that Andrew Carngegie had been stabbed to death with a railroad spike?

"It's Irony."

While I was taking my final tonight, I noticed my shirt was a little wet. I looked down, and saw a tear, and a red stain forming, and realized that the test had "ripped me a new one" when I wasn't looking. I touched the stain and then tasted my finger, and I wondered to myself, "Why does blood taste so sweet?"

It's irony.

Well, it didn't quite go like that, and the final wasn't actually that bad. But you see, I tend to take breaks to amuse myself during long tests, and during my final tonight, I ended up coming up with this jokeless punchline that I'm absolutely in love with: "It's irony." As in, employ some nice freestyle english footwork to arrive at the adjective irony, meaning "Of or pertaining to iron."

The best joke I've got for it so far (which, to give credit where credit is due, was offered up by Jan) is the above referenced "Why does blood taste so sweet?," which hopefully explains that whole little story above. But the problem with that joke is that it's just not... ironic enough for the punchline.

So, I'm still mulling over other possible jokes for the punch-line, and enjoyably, by the nature of folklore, a punch-line can have as many jokes as it wants. So, offer up suggestions! Try them out on your friends, family and co-workers! And most importantly, um... I can't think of a most importantly.

Oh, well, finally, it's perfectly possible that this punch line already exists in the wild (Hm, are punch-lines a form of joke parasites?), and that I just happened to have coincidentally bred a related strain during my final. And if that's the case, and I am just ripping off some clever person, please grind my ego down to a stump, and crush the filings into my foot. And then, when I ask if you can see anything stuck in my foot, you, can tell me "It's irony."

There I was, sitting in the office, merrily working away on my compiler, which is due Thursday. Nearby, a co-worker and her partner were also hard at work on their own compiler. Suddenly, she shouted "Our project got extended 24 hours!"

I turned and glared at her.

She looked back confused, and whispered to her partner "Why is he looking at us like that?"

"Wait, do you mean your project got extended, or everyone's projects got extended?" I asked tentatively.

"Everyone's."

"oh. Oh, well that's different then!"

You see, I thought she meant that her project, and only her project, had been extended. Obviously I was wrong, but considering that she was sitting beside her partner, and she said "our project got extended," and I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or talking to her partner... Well, it was an honest mistake.

I kind of wish I hadn't found out tonight, though, because now I'm going to have a hard time convincing myself not to read Thief of Time tonight instead of waiting until after the project is finshed... The book is sitting beside my keyboard, calling my name. It is my motivation. And now, I have an extra day. An extra day in which I can read the book... Curses!

An 8 am final is such a bad idea. I've been up all night studying, though I had actually planned to get some sleep. Even without sleep, though, I've studied straight through and it feels like the night just slipped away, leaving my final an hour away. My final is an hour away, and it's still dark out. I'm preparing to leave and go get some breakfast, and it's still dark out!

Oh, tinted windows.

Well, it's still not bright out.

So if you write your dates in that archaic inaccurate method, today is otherwise known as 1900. Which made me laugh A LOT. Turns out Y2K did make it 1900 again... Well, I found it funny, at least.

After playing Quake III Arena at Battlezone for many hours a couple of Fridays ago, I took Ben home. I pulled into the driveway, Pi and Ben got out and walked into the house, another car pulled up behind me, three people got out of the car, walked into the house, walked out a few moments later, and then walked down the street. As they walked, I overheard them say "Oh, it's a couple of houses down."

First, it should be noted that I never park in driveways, but did on this occasion because the entire street and parking lot were filled with cars. And then when Pi came out, he told me the people walked in and asked "Where's Matt?" There was apparently a few seconds of awkward silence, before Ben said something like "Dude, you've got the wrong house."

Apparently there was a party at "Matt's", and the people saw us get out of the car and enter, and assumed that Ben's house was the place.

I finally got my parts from 1st Look through UPS. It took them 6 days for second day mail. They claimed they tried to deliver it on the second day, but they left no note. They didn't try to deliver it on the third day at all. The fourth and fifth day were weekend, and the sixth day they managed to get it here. And they won't give me a refund on my shipping. They said "Yes, the driver should have left a note on Thursday, but oh well. Yes, we should have tried to deliver it on Friday, but oh well. No refund, because nothing is guaranteed during the holidays except first day."

Bastards...

Then, there's the buy.com thing. In this case, I'm not too mad at UPS... On the 23rd of November, I ordered a nice IBM hard drive for a great price. The shipping address was mislabled, so it couldn't be delivered. I sent buy.com a request on the 1st of December asking them to send a replacement. They received my drive back from UPS on the third of December. I got a reply on the 4th of December saying a claim had been filed. On the 9th of December, my order was reinstated. On the night of the 9th, I called and asked when they thought my order was shipped. After waiting on hold for two hours, they told me they didn't know. They said I couldn't cancel my order or get the shipping address changed. I've "imailed" (they don't have email support, only this weird web based form in which you can only enter 1000 characters) them multiple times, and each time the reply takes several days.... Since the 9th, my order has had the status of "processing." I don't know what's going on. I've called them back, they won't let me cancel or get the shipping address changed... So it's going to get sent to Berkeley and then BACK to buy.com, and with the speed these guys go, I probably won't see it until February. Do NOT buy from buy.com.

Bastards...

And finally... A $1700 check was supposedly mailed from MA on the 8th, to pay me back for the 'book which didn't happen. I still haven't gotten that first check. On the 18th I mailed the guy again, asking him to stop payment on the first check and send a new check via priority mail. On the 20th, he said he would do so if the check didn't come that day, which it didn't. I assume he sent out a new check... There's going to be a certain point where flying to MA and wringing this guys neck will be cheaper than waiting for the stinking check.

Bastard...

The other two things weren't the fault of anyone in particular, and I blame them on the holidays in general. But the point is, everything I've ordered since November 23rd has somehow gotten Fubar'd.

And it's really starting to piss me off.

And it all makes me afraid of ordering the DVD player I've been looking at, and until I get that $1700 check I can't order it anyway. At any rate, I've been looking at the Pioneer DV 525 from Best Stop Digital. If you've heard anything bad or good about these guys, let me know, because I've gotten paranoid.

On 1999-08-01, I was returning from dropping my dad off at the Kern Valley Sun offices in Lake Isabella, when my life flashed before my eyes. At least, given what happened, my life should have flashed before my eyes, but ever the calm person that I am, I handled things rather calmly.

But what did I handle so calmly, I'm sure you're asking.

First, a bit of background. I was driving from Lake Isabella to Bakersfield on Highway 178, which, for about 15 miles of the journey, is a windy, two lane road. On one side there tends to be a mountainside, while on the other their tends to be a drop to the Kern River, which occasionally has a guard rail, though not always. There is the occasional turnout, intended to be used so that slower traffic can pull over and let faster traffic pass. In general, as long as you're paying attention to what the matter at hand, it's not a horribly difficult drive.

I probably usually average about 50 through The Canyon, though there are certainly faster stretches and slower stretches.

So on that fateful Sunday, I was driving back to Bakersfield after dropping my dad off, and I ended up behind a truck pulling a trailer that was going about 45 the whole way. As I've noted, 45 is in general slower than I tend to take The Canyon, and so I was only half paying attention to the matter at hand, which was that of staying on the road.

Not as if there's much of a road to get off of.

I can't say for sure where in The Canyon this happened, but it was the first half, if you're coming from Bakersfield, the last half going from Isabella. And I'm not sure of the details of what sort of turn I was making, or what sort of rail I hit.

But suddenly there was a bang and I found myself bounced into the other lane. The first thing I really noticed was Roxy fly off her seat and into the passenger seat, and then she jumped into the back seat and started frantically clawing at the cardboard boxes that were sitting there.

Oh, did I mention that I had a dog in the car with me? This little detail is probably worth noting, because it certainly contributed to my not paying total attention to my driving.

So, noting the situation, I slowed down, returned myself to the proper lane, and continued driving, albeit quite a lot slower. I listened for sounds of damage to anything, and I fully intended to pull over at the next turnout to check for damage on the tires.

But, upon sighting that turnout, the trailer towing truck I'd been tailing pulled over, occupying the whole of the turnout, forcing me to continue on.

I don't suspect that the drive of that vehicle saw me hit the guard rail. I suspect he just saw me swerve into the wrong lane, and thinking I was trying to pass, he pulled over to let me go by (Though it's not as if passing on this road would be at all a wise thing to do).

So I continued on for what seemed like a mile or two, until I found another turnout, and pulled over. I picked the things up that had spilled around the car, and I took Roxy out to let her calm down some, and I surveyed the damage to the side of my Dad's truck. It appeared to be just body damage, and the tires looked like they hadn't hit the railing. So after disentangling Roxy from the bits of Bramble she'd Bumbled into, we continued home, arriving without further incident.

In retrospect, it would appear that something was conspiring to keep me safe. The incident could have been a lot worse, and I could be dead or seriously injured now, instead of sitting at home laughing to myself about it. If there'd been no rail at that point, or if there had been an oncoming car, heaven knows how bad things would have been for me.

To be a bit... superstitious for a moment, perhaps heaven, or some other higher power, did know how bad things would have been for me, but have other plans for me, and decided that it would be a bit silly to see me swerving, soaring and then sinking. If that's the case, then remind me to thank said higher power when he or she reveals him or herself to me.

In the meantime, I'll just be a bit more careful when driving in the future, and, on principle, I'll avoid having a dog in the car with me.

On the morning of April 17th, 1999, I was awoken at 0238 by my roommate Keith saying "Benjy, a car exploded."

I've woken up to many strange things, but I didn't quite know what to make of "Benjy, a car exploded." So I responded in the only logical way: "I don't understand."

So he told me to look out the window, which I did. Since I was not entirely awake, nothing out of the ordinary registered. "I don't see anything", I told him as I searched around my desk for my inhaler.

Isn't it more Orange than normal out there?" he asked me, trying to point out the fact that a jeep was on fire about fifteen or twenty feet from our window.

I basically ignored the question while I continued to search for my inhaler. Keith must have been trying to figure out how to convey the necessary information in a simpler way. He needed to dumb down what he was trying to say. "A car blew up" was too many syllables.

So Keith opened the door and pointed out that the fire alarm was going off, which was enough to get me to leave the room. As we walked to the front gate of La Loma, I asked Keith what he was trying to tell me.

Keith shook his head and sighed, and started from the beginning. By the time we got to the front gates of La Loma, I grasped that a Jeep had blown up. That was apparently all that he actually knew, so I wasn't expected to understand any more at that point. But that was the point when I was finally awake enough to desire more information than "A jeep blew up."

To sum up the story, someone apparently set a jeep on fire outside of the door out of Building 3 of La Loma, which proceeded to blow up, forcing residents of La Loma to evacuate the all three buildings for an hour and a half, which added up to a lot of cranky residents not very fully dressed standing in a couple of poorly lit oil stained parking lots at three in the morning. I took it in stride, and occasionally cursed myself for not having thought to bring my inhaler, as rubber smoke didn't make my asthma happy.

No one was hurt, though several hundred hours of sleep were lost, and La Loma apparently wasn't damaged, Luckily it was a Friday night, so there was no school or midterms the next morning. If there had been midterms the next day, I think the people who caused the jeep to explode would have been quickly found, tarred, feathered, and then really hurt.

Another amusing point was my suitemate Michael, who managed to sleep through the whole thing, explosion and fire alarms and all.

It's the middle of October, and it's 90 degrees. Most places most years in the middle of October, it would be comfortably cold. But not here and not now.

I'm not bitter.

Instead of being bitter, I'll merely vent any anger by blaming something. I'll blame... El Niño. Yes, El Niño - that change in the ocean-atmosphere system in the eastern Pacific which contributes to significant weather changes around the world. Everyone these days seems to be blaming El Niño for the weather, and why not, it's a convenient scapegoat.

But I have chosen to take this a step further, and adopt a holistic viewpoint of the situation.

"El Niño is responsible for everything."

That's right, the heating of ocean waters caused that faucet to drip, your computer to crash, the dog to bark. El Niño is to blame.

El Niño is a pattern, no denying it. However, El Niño is more then just a pattern of hot water. It is a pattern of blame, in which people look for anything to blame their problems on. And El Niño is as convenient a scapegoat as any.

El Niño is responsible for large drop in the Stock Market, El Niño is responsible for Methyl Tertiary-Butyl Ether leaking out of California gasoline and into the soil and water supply, and El Niño is responsible for junk mail.

Aren't scapegoats wonderful? El Niño is to blame.

In a year, no one will remember El Niño. El Niño will be forgotten, and something else will be blamed.

The pattern of blame is obvious, but what can be done about it? Why does this pattern even exist?

What can be done about the pattern? More likely then not, nothing can be done about it. It is human nature to blame.

Why does the pattern exist?

El Niño.